Reader report and revision

Anne and me in 2017 at the Maine Writing Project's
20th Anniversary Celebration 

My friend and former doctoral student, Anne Miller, agreed to read a new draft of my novel, Sing On, Maine United! Anne's a curriculum coordinator as well as an expert on young adult literature after a good deal of time as a high school librarian. She took over my young adult literature class back when I had my hands full, and she became a real star in that role. 

Here's Anne's response to my draft book:

Hi Rich,

I have just finished reading Sing On and want to say first, yes, absolutely, it has legs!

The focal characters - the team - come across as living, breathing teenage boys with all the contrasts that define being an adolescent - boundless energy and the ability to sleep anywhere, bathroom humor and astonishing maturity, quick to judge and just as quick to forgive. 

Although at moments I wished the setting were present day because today's readers will be baffled at life without cell phones, I concluded by the end that the setting works. The boys really don't seem different from today's teens. Their playfulness and camaraderie, and love of soccer are authentic and will speak to current teens. I think athletes  will appreciate the sporty parts of the story, whether they are soccer players or not. I enjoyed the chapters about the games and could mostly follow the more specific details about soccer. It was the actions and reactions of the players that interested me most, like Jimmy's flip throws and the excitement they generated, the way the teams would swap players at the half, and the appreciation for others' skills that came through in journals and team discussions.

I see Andrew as the main character, at least for the first half or so until Louis is mugged. Andrew is incredibly likeable - almost to a fault.  If he is the protagonist, who or what is the antagonist? Is it Coughman? I thought so at first, but Andrew doesn't really have any more conflict with Coughman than the rest of the team. So, is Louis the main character with the problem to overcome . . . anger, sadness, lacking social skills, a mom who is unstable. . . the crisis of the mugging turns both he and his teammates around, seeing each other and their own actions in new ways. I was riveted by this part of the story and the outpouring of kindness when the boys sing in the tube station to raise money for Coughman. 

I would  enjoy seeing Amanda's character developed a bit more. More of her thoughts and emotions as she plays the older sister to the team might be appealing to a female reader. The budding romance with Dante could also be developed. I had visions of a bunch of the team sneaking out at night to meet the Italian girls, running in to Amanda and Dante who are on a date, then realizing Coughman was missing and they find him in the park . . .  

The whole team is so well behaved - a little more mischief from kids who are essentially  good but who are, in fact, teenagers, might enhance their relatability (is that a word?)

Back to Coughman's mom for a moment. She is kind of the villain, isn't she, apparently having made Louis' life miserable. His dad mentions "getting her help" after the crisis of the mugging. Has he known before now that she has a mental illness or has it just become evident to him? Is Louis figuring it out? It is clear that her terrible behavior stems from the illness - something that wasn't talked about or understood very well in the 80's. Could Louis come to understand this a bit more, perhaps with guidance from someone who has experience with a friend or relative with mental illness? 

Georgia/George is really interesting! S/he represents one piece of the big city picture that is so new and exciting and shocking an scary and fun for the Maine boys. I like how George and his family become part of the team at the end. 

And lastly, I love the singing soccer players and the characterization of these all - star athletes as multi-talented, multifaceted people. Their music brings people together and heals wounded and broken hearts. Did you have a team that really sang together like that? Real or not, it's very cool and just lovely. And a YA story should, in my view, ultimately be uplifting and hopeful, and your story is all that and more. 

Sing on, Dr. Kent! You've got a gem here and I look forward to seeing it on bookstore shelves!

Best,

Anne 

I felt inspire by Anne's comments, and as a result I added about 2000 words to the manuscript by building Amanda's character, writing a scene where 3 of the hockey-playing, soccer boys get caught out on the town with four Italian girls (Hmm, where did that idea come from?), straightening out Mrs. Coughman's illness, and adding a draft "Author's Note" at the beginning of the book to help ground 21st century readers: 

Author’s Note--Draft

This story takes place in April of 1989. That month, the first pocket-sized mobile phone appeared. Cost? About $3000. Not surprisingly, very few people owned portable phones at the time. In 1989, the concept of the World Wide Web came on the scene. Although the Internet materialized in 1983, public access to the Internet didn't occur until 1991. And texting? No texting. How did we stay in touch? We left notes on the kitchen counter, and phone booths could be found all over the place and especially in big cities like London. In April of 1989, a fatal human crush at a soccer match in England killed nearly 100 people.

I also had Bobby or one of the guys make fun of Andrew for being just a hair bit too perfect. It's a playful addition.